I wake early, before the sun even rises, and I lie in my bed half trying to go back to sleep in that warm spot and half, thinking, feeling and talking to God. I am pretty sure he woke me up, because on my own, I don’t do that well. Although, I would appreciate more sleep, my mind appreciates this time in the quiet. My soul needs it even more in this season.
What I am thinking, feeling and talking to God about is my current loneliness. I am grieving my dad, and sometimes it’s difficult to know what to do with this grief and the strong feelings. I have desires for more community around our family,and for deeper connection to dear friends. There doesn’t have to be a multitude of people, I just need to know they have my back. People that I can text and receive a text quickly back. People I can see regularly and maybe even weekly. I know people are busy, but why are we SO busy? I have thought about beginning some type of gathering but I have talked myself out of it. I am praying again. But, do I start, when I don’t even know if we are going to stay here?
I acknowledge that I have had some of these same feelings before. In the waiting season when we were not sure where we were going to live a year and a half ago. When we lived in our first house together and walking the journey of being content with that house. These feelings are not entirely new, but they are frustrating just the same! I do feel that we are waiting, waiting for our next right step. There is this frustration of wondering where it will be. I am not even entirely sure that I have a hope of where I want to be.
What do I want? I want to know where we will stay and set down roots. I want solid friendships. I know now to call them hope champions,a term used from Danny Silk’s soultime app. These are people that always speak hope to us and we get to speak hope right back to them. I want to have purpose or a mission as a family that is clear. I want to know a house is officially ours and we have freedom to make it our own I want a wee bit of money to be able to do that! I want to live simply, have less stuff, but have it be quality. I want, I want, I want. Perhaps, I have just caught myself being lost in discontentment. It so easily catches us right? I have stepped away a bit from the media that feeds it, and maybe I am just seeing where I have actually been.
I have power to stop the cycle. Oh, I can dream! I can hope. But, I can also, be right where I am, on this Tuesday.
Emily P. Freeman says in her book Simply Tuesday, “And we won’t be so naive as to try to make the hard times beautiful, but we will have faith that the hard days are making us, remaking us, and forming us into the likeness of Christ. Let’s take back moments that are lovely even if they are imperfect, words that are powerful even if only one person hears them…”
I do not have to make what is hard at the moment into something beautiful. Emily, gave me that permission. He will do that himself. He will. I can trust that right now when I don’t see it. But, I can always search and call out what is beautiful right now. The antidote to my endless wants.
What is beautiful are my two children who are always eager to be with me, especially my little five year old shadow. She was by my side only minutes ago. What is beautiful is that I get to teach them daily and to watch what interests them and makes them come alive. I absolutely love this. What is a beautiful, is my husband, who supports me and does so much for me and never ever belittles me for any of my quirks. The neighborhood that is around us has such lovely tall trees and it is a great place to go for walks. We are near so much, and we have had opportunities that I so appreciate.
Sometimes, we might want things that we are not yet ready for. Can I allow myself to be prepared? Can I wait? Can I know even during this season there are good things growing within myself? Can I believe in the unseen? Can I be imperfect, and be ok with that? I mean, I know that I am, but often, when I am honest, I want to appear perfect.
The sun officially rises and Jesse and I both sneak out of our bed by 7:30. I am going to write. Write when I have a fresh mind, instead of tired one.
I find that the internet actually does work in the corner of the basement. I stop to admire the latest lego creation from my boy, that is so very detailed and of course amazing. I give my girl a hug. I read the words from Simply Tuesday above, and I also read, “I’m exploring what it looks like to release my obsession with building a life and embrace the life Christ is building in me, one small Tuesday at a time. I hope you’ll come along.”
I am coming along.